Chiropteran Underground

Sunday, 3 2008f February, 2008

When I realized Lowry was abusive

Filed under: Abuse — Tags: , , , , — chiroptera @ 4:58 pm

Near the end of October, we had a big fight one Sunday morning.  Lowry was in my kitchen cooking breakfast.  I suggested that there was another pan he might want to use.  Lowry got very angry, accused me of being controlling, yelled at me for being unappreciative that he was cooking breakfast, and left angry.  It really seemed like he was just picking a fight that morning. 

We split up for a couple of days, but had some phone conversations during that time.  He yelled at and berated me on the phone during most of those conversations.  I can still hear him yelling loudly and sharply into the phone, “Shut up.  Just shut up.” and even worse things, like telling me that I was, “a selfish little child.”  He had made threats of using the legal system against me (because he thought I had ‘broken into’ his email–something I had not done).  He also informed me that he had the right to have sex with whomever he wanted and it was none of my business.  I pointed out that we had agreed to be exclusive and that I was behaving based on the belief that we were exclusive.  He argued that he had agreed to that, but that he still had a right have sex with other people and that his right still existed even though he wouldn’t do it. 

It sounds crazy to me now, but somehow within a couple of days I was agreeing that we had both done some things wrong, apologizing to him, and offering to see a therapist about my problems.  It seemed sensible and mature at the time.  The evening we decided to work things out and that I agreed to behave better in this relationship was one of his rare moments of really listening to me.  He walked in my door that evening and behaved in a very non-threatening, almost humble, manner, sat on my couch and offered to listen without interrupting for 5 minutes.  He then reflected on what I said and seemed to empathize.  Things were better for a few days, maybe even a couple of weeks.  Of course, it didn’t take long before I had that walking on egg shells feeling every time I was around him again. 

 That, I think, is pretty much the definition of being emotionally and verbally abused.  It didn’t just start that Sunday with the fight about which pan to use, but I recognized–or at least suspected–it at that point.  Still, I didn’t end our relationship until January.  I was in a bad place and needed him.  Of course, much of the credit/blame for putting me in that bad place goes to him.

I’ll tell more of what happened with Lowry, but I do have other things I want to talk about, too.



  1. My god, I’ve put my wife in this position. I’m trying to get it under control. She hasn’t stated that she felt I was abusive, though I know that’s exactly what it is. I have rage issues. I’ve never hit her, but I might as well have on many occasions. I feel terrible about all that’s happened over the years. I don’t know if there is anything you can tell me, but I’d like to keep reading anything you write such as this to keep the right perspective – to know the impact my actions have on her. I’ve embraced feminism recently and have begun to understand how my privilege and sense of entitlement plays into everything. That has helped somewhat.

    Comment by syndicalist702 — Saturday, 5 2008f April, 2008 @ 4:42 pm

  2. syndicalist,
    I have found that most abusive men who eventually admit to their anger management issues do not have trouble managing their anger at all! They use their anger when it most benefits them and keep it under control when it would only harm them. They usually do not abuse their partners in front of people and yet claim that they can’t control it when they have abused them in private.

    Comment by chiroptera — Monday, 7 2008f April, 2008 @ 8:58 am

  3. You’re right about that. I’ve made that same claim. It’s total horsesh*t. Do you believe a man like me can reform himself? I’ve been in the process of doing so for a few years now and am doing a lot better than I was. My biggest leap forward was truly accepting my wife as an equal and recognizing the authority she has in our relationship as such.

    Comment by syndicalist702 — Wednesday, 9 2008f April, 2008 @ 12:14 pm

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